Most of the time, we try to ignore that one thing named 'ugly truth'.
I know he doesn't belong to me.
I know it doeesn't mean for me.
I know this won't happen.
Those facts appear in my head, but again and again, something big forces me to ignore those thoughts. Once, it may help. Twice, it can keep me motivated despite all other ugly possibilites. But for the next times, I don't think that is a good way to always ignore the ugly truths.
And here I am, trying to face ugly truths. The fact that some of things won't happen. It is so hard. It's like you're going to climb a cliff but you know you're gonna fall on your very first step. And you're gonna slipped away into another deep place you never know how to save yourself. I am very afraid of getting hurt.
it's almost there.
Thankyou.
For.
Everything.
That one broken heart, every baby steps I've took, every first experiences I tried, every unexpected meetings. It all gathered in one pink colored big jar.
It's been a while since the last time I wrote about everything, and I hope y'all doing great.
Some times in our live, we're at some events that are so pointless and uncertain. Stupidly, people is people, we give hopes toward them. And of course, it's not the event that breaks us apart, our own hope and expectation does.
Well give yourself some times and spaces, to think again about everything. About what really matters to your life, about your own value and worth, because just like what I feel : Everytime my expectations bring me down, it will make me feel worthless
Knowing my worth is not an easy thing for me, moreover I've faced some moments in my life where the only thing I could do was watching people come and go, without the ability to move my feet even for a single centimeter. And by the time, I realize I can't be that stupid again.
I need to value myself and know my worth in order to rebuild everything, well and to keep things going.
It's never be easy for me to be that optimistic person. But that's okay. I don't need to be in rush, I don't need to run. All I need to do is fix myself, prepare for the upcoming unexpectable-events, and keep standing toward everything. And I believe you can do it too. :)
ps: rarely post a pic of myself, but I think I need to do this one to get back my self confidence X.X I hope you don't mind
Remembering my grandfather
Yang aku ingat dari kakekku, he's one of the toughest. Orang yang cukup keras dan disiplin. Meskipun kami tinggal bersama, namun kami berbeda atap. Yang paling kuingat siang itu, aku dan lia sedang menunggu jemputan di SD yang kira-kira memakan waktu 45 menit untuk sampai ke rumah. Ibu yang biasanya menjemput kami tidak kunjung datang, sekolah sudah cukup sepi. Dan, disitulah mbahkung (mbah kakung-panggilan untuk kakek kami) datang dengan mobil sedan tua nya. Ternyata hari itu ibu kami kecelakaan dalam perjalanan menjemput kami, alhamdulillah luka nya tidak terlalu parah.
Oiya, menyebut sedan tua mbahkung, jadi ingat sering sekali kami dijemput mbah, dan sedan nya mogok, atau memang sengaja mampir ke bengkel mobil untuk servis. Sampai sekarang kalau lewat bengkel itu hanya 1 yang kuingat : mbahkung.
Hari lain, kami yang belum terlalu mengerti dengan apa arti ulang tahun selain menambahkan angka di usia kami, sedang tidur siang. Ya, kami biasa tidur siang di kamar ibu, berbeda ruangan dengan tidur malam. Saat bangun, tanganku menggapai ke atas. Dan, disitulah kami menemukan keyboard dari mbahkung. Mungkin harapan beliau, aku atau lia akan menjadi musisi hahaha
Banyak kenangan yang kami buat sebelum pada kelas 3 SD aku dan keluarga inti ku akhirnya pindah, dan meninggalkan mbahkung dan mbahti (mbah uti-panggilan untuk nenek) sendiri disana. Berjalan-jalan ke sawah dekat rumah, sekedar melihat sungai atau lahan sawah mbahkung, wah... ternyata aku sangat rindu saat itu.
Salah satu kebiasaan lain, saat kami ingin menginap di ruangan mbahkung, aku dan lia bukannya tidur di kasur yang sama dengan mbahkung, justru kami menggelar karpet dan tidur di lantai. Rasanya masih ingat juga tataletak dan seprai ijo mengkilat khas kamar mbahkung. Tidak lupa TV tabung berukuran kecil dan lampu yang nyala dan mati dengan sentuhan.
Sampai saat terakhir mbahkung dirawat, aku masih bisa menggenggam tangan nya, Mungkin bisa dibilang saat itu, aku dan lia adalah cucu terdekatnya.
Rindu...
Asal beliau bisa tau hal ini...
Ingin rasanya memeluk badan nya lagi, sehat dan tinggi. Mungkin sekarang tinggi kami harusnya sudah sama ya hehehe Ingin pula rasanya sekarang memberi tahu kalau sebentar lagi cucu nya akan menjadi dokter. Ingin rasanya dimarahi lagi (ya, beliau selalu marah saat melihat aku dan lia bertengkar).
Ingin makan nasi padang bareng mbahkung lagi, tidak lupa minum sprite atau fanta
Bismillahirrohmanirrohim....al-fatihah,
